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    Behind The Music: Blue Oyster Cult Bruce Dickinson.....Christopher Walken Eric Bloom.....Chris Parnell Buck Dharma.....Horatio Sanz Alan.....Chris Kattan Bobby.....Jimmy Fallon Gene Frenkle.....Will Ferrell Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling. Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound! Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot. Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you're Bruce Dickinson! Alan: It's incredible! Bobby: I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound! Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. "Don't Fear the Reaper" - take one. [ exits into the control booth ] [ the group begins the song. Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ] Eric: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please? Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal? Eric: Are you sure that was sounding okay? Bruce Dickinson: I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell. So.. let's take it again.. and, Gene. Gene Frenkle: Yeah? Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I'm hearing. [ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell while dancing crazily. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Frenkle misses a beat on his cowbell.] Eric: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bruce, could you come back in here, please? Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! That last one was even better than the first! Eric: Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up. Buck Dharma: It was pretty rough.. Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like. Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the track! Gene Frenkle: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing. [ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric's ear until Eric pushes him, causing Horatio Sanz to fall ] Eric: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] Come on, people! Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] That.. that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell! Alan: [ grabs Gene's shirt ] Don't blow this for us, Gene! Bobby: [ cracks up ] Yeah, quit being so selfish, Gene! Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing? Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby. Say it. Gene Frenkle: I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson! Bruce Dickinson: The cock of the walk, baby! Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell! Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby! Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell. Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby! Gene Frenkle: ..and I'll be doing myself a disservice -- [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] -- and every member in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this. Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell! Gene Frenkle: Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ] Bruce Dickinson: Aw, baby.. Eric: Gene, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together. [ everyone agrees ] Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric? Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us. Gene Frenkle: Thank you. Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we're done here.. y'all be wearing gold-plated diapers. Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean? Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ] Eric: [ ready to lay the complete track down ] 1, 2, 3, 4. [ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: "In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000" ]
    Office Space (1999) Drew: I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh. Oh. Bob Slydell: I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman". Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat". You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever heard. Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea. Dom Portwood: Hello, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports. Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it. Dom Portwood: Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even a problem anymore. Dom Portwood: Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. Alright! Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second here. Peter Gibbons: OK. Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you? Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys. Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me. Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well. Bob Porter: Excellent. Bob Slydell: Great... Wow. Peter Gibbons: [about the plan to steal from Initech] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody. Samir: Of course. Michael Bolton: Agreed Lawrence: [from the next apartment through wall] Don't worry man. I won't tell anyone about this either. Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that? Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool. Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doin' this when we're 50? Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security. Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh... [nods] Peter Gibbons: because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with. Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK? Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy. [Peter, Michael, and Samir around copier] Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic. Samir: So what did you say? Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech. Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars. Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you [printer starts beeping] Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean? Peter Gibbons: You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Bob Porter: Don't... don't care? Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now. Bob Porter: Eight? Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. Joanna: How dare you judge me? Look at you. You're just some penny-stealing... criminal... man. Peter Gibbons: Well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh. Lawrence: [shouting through the wall from his apartment] Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, it's the breast exams. Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window. Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed. Samir: Piece of shit. Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money. Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point. Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do? Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Well yeah. Peter Gibbons: Nothing. Lawrence: Nothing, huh? Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing. Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit. Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar. Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name. Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys. Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael? Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks. Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter? Peter Gibbons: Initech. Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there? Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Joanna: What's that? Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore. Joanna: You're just not gonna go? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Joanna: Won't you get fired? Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. Joanna: So you're gonna quit? Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going. Joanna: When did you decide all that? Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago. Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job? Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job. Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and... Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either. Joanna: So what do you wanna do? Peter Gibbons: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch kung fu. Do you ever watch kung fu? Joanna: I love kung fu. Peter Gibbons: Channel 39. Joanna: Totally. Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch kung fu tonight. Joanna: Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok. Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Bob Slydell: Great. Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour. Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out? Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right to Peter Gibbons. We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him. Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions. Michael Bolton: If we get caught, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison. Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison! Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake? Lawrence: Yeah. Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over? Lawrence: No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too. Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life. Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up. Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been *missing* it, Bob. Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams. Dom Portwood: Who's he? Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot. Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah. Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here. Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck. Bob Slydell: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch. Bill Lumbergh: Great. Dom Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go? Bob Slydell: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally. Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end. Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael? Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal. Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure. Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet? Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week. Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire... Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy, lets pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece. Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. Nina: Just pass. [the cake passes and everybody but Milton gets a piece] Milton Waddams: [whispering] I could set the building on fire. Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK? Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler... Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass... Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor. [Under his breath] Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo. Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this place down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your nation's board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt. Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe? Peter Gibbons: Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair? Joanna: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register. Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear. Bob Porter: We'll be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway. [Stuck in traffic] Samir: Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass. I just... [punches steering wheel] Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day... so, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. Rob Newhouse: You know, minimum security prison is no picnic. I had a client in there once. He said the trick is kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's bitch. Then everything will be alright. Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven. Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still have not received my paycheck and they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it. Tom Smykowski: Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people? Michael Bolton: You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing? Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be. Lawrence: [as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh about stealing money, knowing he may go to prison] Peter... watch out for your cornhole, man... [Peter, Michael and Samir are trying to figure out how to launder money] Peter Gibbons: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary. [Drunk, singing] Samir: Back up in your ass with the resurrection. Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'? Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man. Michael Bolton: You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job. Peter Gibbons: Actually I'm being promoted. Bill Lumbergh: Ahh, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too... Milton Waddams: The ratio of people to cake is too big. Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea? Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago. Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom? Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to. Lawrence: Doesn't that chick look like Anne? Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit... Lawrence: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get this feeling like she's cheating on me. Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man. Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that? Lawrence: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just... Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you? Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal. Peter Gibbons: Samir, this is America. Peter Gibbons: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray. Joanna: From the crippled children? Peter Gibbons: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody. Tom Smykowski: Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me. Peter Gibbons: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give *me* more money? Bob Porter: [nods] Uh-huh. Peter Gibbons: Wow. Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's gonna be just like [He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs] Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas? Peter Gibbons: Just coffee. Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays. Joanna: Why don't you call me when you grow up! Wait a minute, that will never happen, so why don't you just not call me, yeah... [Joanna starts to close car door] Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me! Samir: [trying to decide if he should go along with the virus plot] I have a question. Peter Gibbons: Yes? Samir: In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women? Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can. Samir: OK, I'll do it. [Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer] Bill Lumbergh: Hello Peter, what's happening? Listen, are you gonna have those TPS reports for us this afternoon? Peter Gibbons: No. Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Well then I suppose we should go ahead and have a little talk. Peter Gibbons: Not right now Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. You know what, in fact I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back later, I've got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes. Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them. Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home. [repeated line] Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment. Joanna: You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there Bryan, why don't you make the minimum 37 pieces of flair? Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself. Joanna: You know what, I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it. [flips off Stan] Peter Gibbons: Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements. Samir: Is there some way to just give the money back? Peter Gibbons: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out. Peter Gibbons: You know, corporate accounts is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13 Michael! Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys. Michael Bolton: What's up, G? Peter Gibbons: Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee? Samir: Oh, it's a little early. Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it. Peggy, Lumbergh's Secretary: Uh oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the mondays.

    Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do I have a perfect puzzle for you Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee If you are wise, you'll listen to me What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats What are you at getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that? I don't like the look of it Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da If you're not greedy, you will go far You will live in happiness too Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do I have another puzzle for you Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee If you are wise, you'll listen to me Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile But it's repulsive, revolting, and wrong Chewing and chewing all day long The way that a cow does Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da Given good manners, you will go far You will live in happiness too Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do I have another puzzle for you Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee If you are wise, you'll listen to me Who do you blame when your kid is a brat? Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame You know exactly who's to blame The mother and the father Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da If you're not spoiled, then you will go far You will live in happiness too Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do I have another puzzle for you Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee If you are wise, you'll listen to me What do you get from a glut of TV? A pain in the neck and an IQ of three Why don't you try simply reading a book? Or can you just not bear to look? You'll get'll get'll get no commercials Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da If you're not greedy, you will go far You will live in happiness too Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do

    Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do, gosh!
    [last lines before post-credit sequence]
    Napoleon Dynamite: You wanna play me?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Lucky.
    Napoleon Dynamite: I spent like three hours shading the upper lip.
    Trisha: Yeah... That's great.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
    Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
    Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property!
    Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
    Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
    Napoleon Dynamite: Maybe I will, GOSH!
    Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
    Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
    Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
    Napoleon Dynamite: What?
    Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
    Uncle Rico: So what do you think?
    Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
    Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
    Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
    Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
    Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
    Napoleon Dynamite: You guys are retarded!
    Rex: At Rex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
    Rex: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!
    Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
    Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
    Don: Did you shoot any?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
    Don: What kind of gun did you use?
    Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
    Deb: And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
    Napoleon Dynamite: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.
    Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.
    Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
    Farmer: Do they have what?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
    Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said.
    Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
    Pedro: Like what are my skills?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
    Trisha: Thanks for the beautiful drawing. It's hanging in my room right now.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
    Rex: I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
    Napoleon Dynamite: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?
    Pedro: A couple of days.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro, how do you feel about that one?
    Pedro: It looks nice.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.
    Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
    Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
    D-Qwon: Welcome to D-Qwon's dance grooves, are you ready to get your groove on?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
    D-Qwon: All right then, let's get started!
    Uncle Rico: We also need someway to make us look official, like we got all the answers.
    Kip: How bout some gold bracelets?
    Uncle Rico: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
    Kip: That's true, that's true.
    Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.
    Napoleon Dynamite: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!
    Uncle Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
    Napoleon Dynamite: I could make that much money in five seconds!
    Kip: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
    Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
    Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

    Grandma: How was school?
    Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?
    Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
    Pedro: It's a sledgehammer.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
    Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
    Deb: What are you drawing?
    Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
    Deb: What's a liger?
    Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
    Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, come get some ham.
    Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
    Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.
    Napoleon Dynamite: I caught you a delicious bass.
    Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet!
    Deb: I'm trying to earn money for college.
    Kip: [from the background] Your mom goes to college.
    Uncle Rico: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
    Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
    FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
    Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
    FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
    [Deb is making a glamour shot of Uncle Rico]
    Deb: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
    Deb: Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
    [All three slowly ease up fists under their chins]
    Deb: This is looking really good.
    Kip: You can say that again.
    Deb: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
    [Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera]
    Deb: [takes the picture] That was one that I think is gonna come out really nice.
    Uncle Rico: Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
    [Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly]
    Uncle Rico: You're up Kip.
    Kip: Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?
    [makes gesture of putting on a vest]
    Napoleon Dynamite, Deb: [Napoleon and Deb are dancing]
    Napoleon Dynamite: I like your sleeves. They're real big.
    Deb: Thank you. I made them myself.
    Napoleon Dynamite: So you and Pedro getting really serious now?
    Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
    Pedro: That girl over there.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
    Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
    Nathan: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
    Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
    Nathan: Come on, give me some of your tots.
    Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today.
    Nathan: [kicks the tots]
    Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
    Kip: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days.
    Uncle Rico: Yeah, well what does she look like?
    Kip: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?
    Secretary No. 1: Is there anything wrong?
    Napoleon Dynamite: I don't feel very good.
    [takes telephone and dials number]
    Kip: [making nachos on the other line] Hi.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Is grandma there?
    Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
    Kip: What do you need?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Can you just go get her for me?
    Kip: I'm really busy right now.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Just tell her to come get me.
    Kip: Why?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Cause I don't feel good!
    Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
    Napoleon Dynamite: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
    Kip: No.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?
    Kip: No, Napoleon.
    Napoleon Dynamite: But my lips hurt real bad!
    Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.
    Napoleon Dynamite: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
    Kip: See ya.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Idiot!
    Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
    Grandma: Knock it off Napoleon, just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
    Deb: It's Deb. And I'm calling to let you know that I think you're a shallow friend.
    Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you even talking about?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
    Pedro: Why?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
    Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
    Napoleon Dynamite: No. Not unless she likes fish.
    Pedro: Who was that?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Trisha.
    Pedro: Who's she?
    Napoleon Dynamite: My woman I'm taking to the dance.
    Pedro: Did you draw her a picture?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes I did.
    Napoleon Dynamite: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.
    Pedro: Is she hot?
    Napoleon Dynamite: See for yourself.
    [hands him Deb's glamor shot sample]
    Pedro: Wow.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.
    Pedro: I like her bangs.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Me too.
    Don: Vote for Summer.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.
    Don: Then who you gonna vote for?
    Napoleon Dynamite: I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?
    [Don scoffs and walks away]
    Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
    [Don hands Napoleon a "Vote 4 Summer" button]
    Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, and runs away]
    Napoleon Dynamite: You guys having a killer time?
    [Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife]
    Kip: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...
    Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
    Uncle Rico: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
    Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
    Kip: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
    Uncle Rico: Right on... right on.
    [Napoleon Dynamite straps himself into the time machine]
    Kip: So are you ready?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.
    Uncle Rico: Just a little east of the cemetery is a good little area, but don't go down here cause they don't have any money.
    Kip: So how long are we talking about working?
    Uncle Rico: What are you already losing your steam?
    Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4. I gotta be back here by then.
    Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?
    Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3-4 hours maybe... Maybe not.
    Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
    Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.
    Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.
    Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
    Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
    Napoleon Dynamite: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
    Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
    Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
    Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
    Kip: [typing a poem on his computer] Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a skate...
    [begins singing]
    Uncle Rico: Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.
    [Napoleon rides up to Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding on a horse]
    Napoleon Dynamite: Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.
    Napoleon Dynamite: [to Pedro] Just follow your heart. That's what I do.
    Napoleon Dynamite: [while hitch-hiking] Are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hook-ups?
    Video disc jockey: [funky disc jockey on video tape] Welcome to D-kwon's dance grooves - are you ready to get your groove on?
    Napoleon Dynamite: [Speaking to television] Yes.
    Video disc jockey: Well right then, let's get started.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Who are you?
    LaFawnduh: I'm Le Fawnduh.
    Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here?
    LaFawnduh: I'm waiting for Kip.
    Napoleon Dynamite: Kip?
    LaFawnduh: Why are you so sweaty?
    Napoleon Dynamite: I've been practicing.
    LaFawnduh: Mmmm. Practicing what?
    Napoleon Dynamite: Some dance moves.
    LaFawnduh: You like dancing?

    Plot Outline: The adventures of the fast-drivin', rubber-burnin' Duke boys of Hazzard County. (more) Complete credited cast: Tom Wopat .... Luke Duke John Schneider .... Bo Duke Catherine Bach .... Daisy Duke Denver Pyle .... Uncle Jesse Duke James Best .... Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane Sorrell Booke .... Jefferson Davis 'Boss' Hogg Sonny Shroyer .... Deputy Enos Strate (1979-1980, 1982-1985) Ben Jones .... Cooter Davenport Rick Hurst .... Deputy Cletus Hogg (1980-1983) Byron Cherry .... Coy Duke (1982-1983) Christopher Mayer .... Vance Duke (1982-1983) Waylon Jennings .... The Balladeer (voice) rest of cast listed alphabetically Jeff Altman .... Hughie Hogg Don Pedro Colley .... Sheriff Ed Little (Chickasaw County) (1981-1984) James Hampton .... Sheriff Buster Moon (1980) Peggy Rea .... Lulu Coltrane Hogg Dick Sargent .... Sheriff Grady Byrd (1980) Nedra Volz .... Miz Emma Tisdale (1981-1983)
    A bespectacled, lip-synching young man from the Jersey suburbs has become the hottest thing to hit the Internet since the Spiridellis brothers started making JibJab cartoons.
    Gyrating before a Webcam to the techno beat of a Romanian pop song without ever leaving his chair, Gary Brolsma’s uncanny timing in a video he calls “Numa Numa Dance” has Web watchers cracking up around the globe and cramming the e-mail boxes of their friends with links to the cyber hit. Featured Thursday on NBC’s “Today” show, the video has already gotten more than a million hits on one Web site, according to one report. On, “searches for this kid absolutely dominate our site search today,” according to producer Will Femia. Brolsma, 19, of Saddle Brook, N.J., performs his hit to the strains of O-Zone’s “Dragostea Din Tei,” a song that would be titled “Love Among the Linden Trees” in English. The “Numa Numa” title of the video is from a line in the song.
    fat kid singing
    Old School Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend... Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do? Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat. Woman: What are you doing? Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll return him tonight, honey. Frank: We're going streaking. Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass. Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit. [calls back] Frank: This is Frank Ricard... Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok. Waiter: Love, it's a mother fucker, huh?" Beanie: We're going to get so much ass here... like boy band ass. Spanish: Damn, I don't wanna end up workin' at Red Lobster. Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster. Spanish: Yea, well its part time... dick. Beanie: Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man. Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife. Beanie: [to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. You're sweet. [wink] Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here. Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not? Beanie: I know a really good sand guy. Mitch: At this point, you might be asking yourself, 'why am I holding this 30lb. Cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, 'why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis? Andy Dick: He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But thats neither here nor there. Andy Dick: You know, when I get back there, I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis. Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time. College Student: A big day? Doing what? Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time. Andy Dick: Mind the stepchildren. Mitch: ...and all I want to do is get some fucking sleep. Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch." Frank: Cock. Balls. Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it. Frank: Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade? Blue: Sorry, sir. Frank: You drop down and give me ten. Blue: Yes, sir. [Two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly] Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue? Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy. Frank: BLUE! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinder block will safely hit the ground? Blue: Y-Yes sir. Frank: Blue do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight? Blue: Yes sir. Frank: Blue you're my boy! Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever. Frank: I see Blue, He look's glorious. [after learning he's going to be expelled] Weensie: Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me. Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you. Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife. Mitch: Please be honest with me and tell me this is the first time. Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time? Man at door: Hello. Mitch: Yeah? Man at door: I'm here for the gangbang... Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage. Frank: A little housewarming gift. Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding. Frank: This model? Mitch: That exact one. Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg. Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she? Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this? Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right? [yank's on the mule's reigns] Peppers: What? That's what I thought. Shut up. [Frank cocks the gun] Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico. Frank: Cool. Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from... [Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart] Peppers: YES. That's awesome. Frank: What? Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man. Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday. Frank: My birthday? What do you mean? Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank? Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot. Mitch: All I want to do is get some fucking sleep. Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years. Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers. Marissa: That's really, loud. Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon some juice. But it ain't exactly street legal so keep it on the down low. Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday? Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing? Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo. Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids. Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir. Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that. Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding? Andy Dick: Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that's now why I have a lazy eye. Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you retarded? Jerry: That was great. Frank: What happened? I blacked out. Dean Pritchard: Listen, Chang. Sara: It's Huang. Dean Pritchard: Whatever. Frank: That's how you do it. That's how you debate. Frank: Do it again. Do it again. It tastes so good when it hits your lips. Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation. Mitch: What situation? Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness. Frank: I just got to run it by Marissa. I'm messing with you guys. Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset. Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy. Frank: What do you mean? Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we? Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise. Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed. Beanie: Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away. Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you. Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that. Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone. Peppers: You should pull that out. Frank: Wait, pull what out? Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck. Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy. Frank: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever. Beanie: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now. Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died. Beanie: That's awesome. Beanie: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby. Frank: Sorry, baby. Mitch: So what are you? Campus security? Gordon Pritchard: Try again. Beanie: Jevohah Witness? Gordon Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard. Beanie: That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred. Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety. Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty. Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir. Frank: Speak when spoken to. Beanie: Who's life is ruined? Mitch: Lets see. Blue's dead. Franks divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out. Mitch: Wow. Chesse, is that you? Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much. Beanie: Who's this? Mitch: Beanie, remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother? Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard. Beanie: Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time? Dean Pritchard: I got out. Beanie: Good, I'm glad you did. Frank: I had an awesome time. Beanie: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time. Beanie: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather. Frank: All we are is dust in the wind... Garry: You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. These carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Frank: What do you think, Max? It's got three speeds. Beanie: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die. Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house. Waiter: You are beautiful. No offense though. He is the king. A living legend. Your money is no good here. Nicole: I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true? Mitch: Well, yes but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes. Frank: Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank Beanie: Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus. Frank: Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind. James Carville: Have at it, hoss. Beanie: Mitch is a laywer , buddy. He'll find a way out for us. Beanie: You're the lady, Marissa. High five. Frank: Blue's over there. But he's wasted. Frank: Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up. Booker: We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us. Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years. Frank: I love you dad. Frank: Jerry, are you a statistics major or something? Jerry: Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science. Frank: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass. Beanie: No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though. Garry: Ok, ladies the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met a TGI Fridays. Garry: Who's hungry? Who's hungry? Who's hungry? Beanie: Because this is a very big idea my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly age have bearing whatsoever. Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in. Jerry: I go to school here... Beanie: Yeah, so? Jerry: What will you have to do with the university? Beanie: Legally speaking there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you. Mitch: This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college. Mitch: Who's this guy? Beanie: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit. Mitch: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge? Beanie: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it. Beanie: What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party. Frank: Honey, you think KFC is still open? Mitch: Beanie, you remember, Cheese. Beanie: Oh yea. Cheeeeese. Dean Pritchard: Are you a comedian now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving. Beanie: I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank? Frank: In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski. Mark: What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there. Garry: I really like that movie, 'cause of the flying and the magic. Frank: Come on, bring your green hat! [deleted scene] Beanie: Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17 year old? Lara Campbell: Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana. Mitch Martin: Denver? The sunshine state? 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