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   » Volun'told
   » Joker, Smoker, Toker
   » Procrastinator's Clock
   » Beer-Thirty
   » Jesus Loves You*
   » No Place Like 127.0.0.1
   » Disgruntled Employee
   » Grain Of Salt
   » Gilligan's Island
   » Witty Phrase
   » Wake Me Up
   » Booty Surrender
   » Musical Heart
   » Treble Heart
   » Bass Heart
   » Squirrel Bumps
   » Single Moms
   » Negative Attitude
   » Proctologist
   » Phu-Que (Fuck You)
   » Don't Give A Damn
   » Pee Cup
   » Rock On
   » Hokey Pokey
   » Train Of Thought
   » Beer
   » Orson Welles
   » Friendly Smile
   » ID-10T Error
   » Dragon Affairs
   » Specs Appeal
   » Real Eyes
   » Normal Abnormal
   » Nerd Pride
   » Idiot Green
   » Love Winter
   » Peace, Love, iPod
   » Fight Cancer
   » Coffee Job
   » Eat You
   » Love Kids
   » Hot Moms
   » Cat Snore
   » Kids Rule
   » Dumbass
   » Monkey Poop
   » Birthday Blow
   » True Love
   » N3RD
   » Pheasant Plucking
   » Adorkable
   » Divorce Cause
   » Schizo
   » Exorcist
   » Last Thing
   » Patience
   » No Shape
   » Where Am I
   » College Prep
   » Kill Messenger
   » Multitasking
   » Pi Pie
   » Math Love
   » Avada Kedavra
   » Procrastination Grade
   » Base A Salt
   » Envelope Stationery
   » Penny Knock
   » Love You More
   » Frog Parking
   » Flipping Bird
   » Gun Speak
   » Monkey Job
   » Teamwork Pride
   » OCD Procrastinator
   » Being Old
   » Prevent Cancer
   » Treble Maker
   » Bipolar
   » Good Bear
   » Censored
   » Happy Dwarves
   » Not A Drill
   » Evil Plus
   » Idiot Proof
   » Idiot Problem
   » Sarcasm Gene
   » Shaved Balls
   » Fart Ninjas
   » Horny
   » Sex Babies
   » Shower Naked
   » Undressing Eyes
   » Oh Crap
   » Redheads
   » Scottish Accent
   » Scottish Crap
   » True Story
   » Caffeine Skills
   » Losing Faith
   » Today Necessary
   » Typical Boring
   » Punctuation Saves
   » Chaos Reality
   » Friends Dysfunction
   » Life Ordered
   » Shit Creek
   » Anger Management
   » Buttcrack Showing
   » Chance Money
   » Everything Reason
   » Fear Itself
   » Guns Organs
   » Guns Trigger
   » Job Security
   » Judge Book
   » Laundry Dishes
   » Life Author
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   » My Job
   » Off Center
   » Screw Morning
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   » Swearing
   » Ten Suggestions
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   » Work Harder
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   » Socialism
   » President Puppy
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Wiener Play

Wiener Play
I just want to go home and play with my wiener.

Karma

Karma
Karma - I can rest easy at night, knowing that all the people I've treated badly had it coming.

Good Horse

Good Horse
I take it back. I have no problem with the horse you rode in on.

F*** You

F*** You
Fuck You. This message brought to you by the First Amendment.

Plead the 2nd

Plead the 2nd
I plead the 2nd.

SNK

SNK
SNK

F-Bomb

F-Bomb
F-Bomb

Yardbird

Doody Head

Doody Head
I'm not childish. You're just a big doody head.

Satan Good Guy

Satan Good Guy
If Satan punishes bad people, doesn't that make him a good guy?

Sugar Medicine

Sugar Medicine
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Unless of course that medicine is insulin.

Don't Read This!

Don't Read This!
Don't Read This! You suck at following directions.

Hap-penis

Hap-penis
You can't say "happiness" without saying "penis".

MILF

MILF
MILF - Man I Love Fridays.

Velociraptor Formula

Velociraptor Formula
Velociraptor = Distraptor divided by Timeraptor.

Little Lamb

Little Lamb
Mary gave birth to Jesus. Jesus is the lamb of God. So, did Mary have a little lamb?

Sarc-asm

Sarc-asm
Sarc: My second favorite -asm.

Results Vary

Results Vary
I want to ki__ you. (Results may vary)

That's What She Said

That's What She Said
"That's what." - She

Drink Program

Drink Program
Ask about our blowjobs for drinks program.

Good Hand

Good Hand
Who needs a woman when you have a good hand.

Hunt Together

Hunt Together
The couple that hunts together, stays together. (or kills each other...one of the two)

Ass Whoopin'

Ass Whoopin'
I keep a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'.

Piece Be With You

Piece Be With You
Gun - Piece Be With You.

Soberphobic

Soberphobic
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.

Thinking of You

Thinking of You
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.

Ransom Myself

Ransom Myself
I have taken myself hostage. If you ever want to see me again, send me $1,000 ransom.

Veins Fact

Veins Fact
Medical Fact: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end-to-end, you would die.

Relaxing Walk

Crazy Woman

Crazy Woman
Scientific Fact: Never tell a woman she's crazy, unless you want to SEE crazy!

Wine Health

Wine Health
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

Wedding Vows

Wedding Vows
"Everything you say can and will be used against you..." should be included in the wedding vows.

Virgin Shirt

Virgin Shirt
I'm a virgin. (but, this is an old shirt)

Lazy Number

Lazy Number
Lazy person fact #3814972586: You were too lazy to read that number.

Alcohol Solution

Alcohol Solution
According to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

Bacon Life

Bacon Life
Doctors say that each slice of bacon you eat takes nine minutes off your life. Based on that math, I should've died in 1732.

Kitty Style

Kitty Style
I like it kitty style. It's a lot like doggy style, but with scratching and biting.

Texas Is Texas!

Texas Is Texas!
Texas is neither western nor southern. Texas is Texas!

Shoot The Moon

Shoot The Moon
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars...and die.

Calories

Calories
Word of the day: Calories (noun, plural) Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

Dryer Lint

Dryer Lint
Word of the day: Dryer ling (noun) Cremated remains of your missing socks.

Life

Life
Word of the day: Life - (noun) A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death. Currently there is no cure.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow
Word of the day: Tomorrow - (n) A mythological land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.

Life*

Life*
Life*, with terms and limitations.

Nillionaire

Nillionaire
Word of the day: Nillionaire - (adj) Someone having little to no money.

Supfuhker

Supfuhker
Word of the day: Supfuhker - (interj) A common southern greeting.

Molested Myself

Molested Myself
I molested myself last night. I said no, but I knew I wanted it.

Askhole

Askhole
Word of the Day - Askhole (noun) - Someone who constantly asks you for advice, then always does the exact opposite.

Pizza Volume

Pizza Volume
Pizza Volume.

A Door A Bull

A Door A Bull
A Door A Bull

Check Liver - M

Check Liver - M
Men - I have a feeling my "Check Liver" light might come on this weekend.

Check Liver - W

Check Liver - W
Women - I have a feeling my "Check Liver" light might come on this weekend.

Fuck-This-Shit O'Clock

Fuck-This-Shit O'Clock
Looks like it's Fuck-This-Shit O'clock.

Pissed Hookers

Pissed Hookers
I never pay for sex. This has pissed off more than a few hookers.

Apocaloptomist

Apocaloptomist
Word of the day: Apocaloptomist. (noun) Someone who knows it's all going to shit, but thinks it will turn out okay.

Parenting Books

Parenting Books
I found some great parenting books. They're just the right size to use to smack my kids.

Jesus Hammered

Jesus Hammered
Jesus: This on time, I got so hammered that I woke up 3 days later in a cave somewhere.

Greener Grass

Greener Grass
The only reason the grass is greener on the other side is because of all the extra fertilizer.

Decisions

Decisions
Fuck you, me, or off. Decisions, decisions.

Ignoranus

Ignoranus
Word of the day: Ignoranus - noun; Someone who is both stupid and an asshole.

Thesaurus

Thesaurus
Having a great vocabulary didn't save the thesaurus from extinction / eradication / expiration.

NASA Mom 2

NASA Mom 2
NASA's mom thought Pluto was big enough. PS - Screw Uranus.

NASA Mom

NASA Mom
NASA's mom thought Pluto was big enough.

Exhaustipated

Exhaustipated
The word of the day is exhaustipated, too tired to give a shit.

Adios Bitchachos

Adios Bitchachos
Adios Bitchachos!

To Do List

To Do List
All good to do lists should end with a nap.

Eye Chart

Eye Chart
Eye chart with a hidden message (medicinal marijuana for *cough* glaucoma).

OCD Attack

OCD Attack
Counting the seconds since my last OCD attack.

Jack Off

Jack Off
You're not playing with a full deck. You're a jack off.

Voicemail Chart

Voicemail Chart
I check my voicemail, not because I actually care about my missed calls, but to get rid of the annoying icon on my phone.

Relationship Basis

Relationship Basis
My relationships are based mostly on insult-based humor, rather than mutual trust and respect.

Pointless Chart

Pointless Chart
Pointless pie chart...just because.

Google Uses

Google Uses
Uses of Google for useful information, porn, spell checking, and being too lazy to type '.com'.

Where And How

Where And How
How to get to some destinations made famous by songs.

Chicks Love Me

Chicks Love Me
Chicks love me.

Tragic Hamster

Tragic Hamster
No, I don't want to help you move, or whatever it is you're wanting.

Young At Heart

Young At Heart
You may be young at heart, but other parts are slightly older.

Claw Hammer

Claw Hammer
A claw hammer is a much more effective killer than kindness.

Kill With Kindness

Kill With Kindness
If you must kill them with kindness, make sure that kindness is cold, hardened steel.

Jesus Sausage

Jesus Sausage
If you say Jesus backwards, it sounds like sausage.

Break Bones, Not Hearts

Break Bones, Not Hearts
Why break someone's one heart when there are so many more bones in their body?

Toilet Hunter

Toilet Hunter
Tell him he needs to aim for the toilet as carefully as he aims for a deer.

Scissor Run

Scissor Run
Tell everyone that you never run with scissors, or even without them.

Peace Cover

Peace Cover
Let the pacifists be pacifists while you cover their backs.

W.I.F.E.

W.I.F.E.
Let your wife know her place, just before she lets you know yours...lol.

Insane Family

Insane Family
Let everyone know that there's a genetic reason behind your insanity.

Patience For Parents

Patience For Parents
(Tight-lipped smile) You just wait until we get home...

Home

Home
Let them know how things are in your home.

Volun'told

Volun'told
Let everyone know the true reason you're lending a helping hand - you got told to volunteer.

Joker, Smoker, Toker

Joker, Smoker, Toker
If you're not a joker, a smoker, AND a midnight toker, then this probably isn't for you.

Procrastinator's Clock

Procrastinator's Clock
Procrastinators go by a special clock all their own.

Beer-Thirty

Beer-Thirty
It's always beer thirty somewhere!

Jesus Loves You*

Jesus Loves You*
Let someone know they're loved, with an addition of a disclaimer footnote. Jesus may love you, but you're really an asshole.

No Place Like 127.0.0.1

No Place Like 127.0.0.1
Wherever you are, as long as you have your localhost, you've got a home. Click your heels 3 times and get away from it all. There's no place like 127.0.0.1...

Disgruntled Employee

Disgruntled Employee
Show your enthusiasm for your job with Disgruntled Employee of the Month products.

Grain Of Salt

Grain Of Salt
Taking life with a grain of salt is so much easier when it's followed by tequila and lime.

Gilligan's Island

Gilligan's Island
Let everyone know that you learned it all from the "O.G.", Gilligan!

Witty Phrase

Witty Phrase
When you just don't have time, or the ability, to be witty. Just let people make up their own.

Wake Me Up

Wake Me Up
Wake me up when you're less boring.

Booty Surrender

Booty Surrender
Show your pirate side, as you tell others to 'Surrender The Booty'.

Musical Heart

Musical Heart
Show your love of music with this heart made from a treble clef and a bass clef.

Treble Heart

Treble Heart
Show your love of music with this heart made from two inverted treble clefs.

Bass Heart

Bass Heart
Show your love of music with this heart made from two bass clefs.

Squirrel Bumps

Squirrel Bumps
Have fun as you show that squirrels and cars don't go together.

Single Moms

Single Moms
I'm not saying that all single moms are strippers. I'm saying that a lot of strippers are single moms.

Negative Attitude

Negative Attitude
Let everyone know how much of an asshole their negative attitude makes them be.

Proctologist

Proctologist
You don't have to be an asshole doctor to recognize one when you see it.

Phu-Que (Fuck You)

Phu-Que (Fuck You)
Use phonics to give everyone a big fuck you.

Don't Give A Damn

Don't Give A Damn
A fun way to tell people that you don't care, and just how long it's been since you DID give a damn.

Pee Cup

Pee Cup
Nothing builds self esteem like having to pee in a cup to get a minimum wage job.

Rock On

Rock On
Stay cool with text speak while you rock this emoticon.

Hokey Pokey

Hokey Pokey
Hit the road to recovery as you turn yourself around at Hokey Pokey Anonymous.

Train Of Thought

Train Of Thought
How many people are killed when your train of thought gets derailed?

Beer

Beer
It's a bear. It's a deer. It's a BEER!

Orson Welles

Orson Welles
I know Orson Welles is dead, but who better to fool the public? Isn't that what the president is for?

Friendly Smile

Friendly Smile
Is that dog friendly and smiling? Or, is he about to tear into me?

ID-10T Error

ID-10T Error
A favorite explanation of tech support. An ID-10T error is something every idiot can appreciate.

Dragon Affairs

Dragon Affairs
A dragon's affairs are private. Don't make them break out the ketchup and crunch down on you.

Specs Appeal

Specs Appeal
Some nerds might have sex appeal, while others only have 'specs' appeal.

Real Eyes

Real Eyes
Real eyes realize real lies. Does this play on words need further explanation?

Normal Abnormal

Normal Abnormal
Normal is relative, depending on what you're used to. Most would agree however that most relatives are abnormal.

Nerd Pride

Nerd Pride
Take pride in being a nerd and find other nerds through the use of binary code.

Idiot Green

Idiot Green
Apparently, everyone who reads this must be an idiot since it always turns green.

Love Winter

Love Winter
Show that special someone your true feelings for them.

Peace, Love, iPod

Peace, Love, iPod
Peace, love, and iPod. What else could you ask for?

Fight Cancer

Fight Cancer
Show everyone you want to help fight cancer.

Coffee Job

Eat You

Love Kids

Hot Moms

Cat Snore

Kids Rule

Dumbass

Monkey Poop

Birthday Blow

True Love

N3RD

Pheasant Plucking

Adorkable

Divorce Cause

Schizo

Exorcist

Last Thing

Patience

No Shape

Where Am I

College Prep

Kill Messenger

Multitasking

Pi Pie

Math Love

Avada Kedavra

Procrastination Grade

Base A Salt

Envelope Stationery

Penny Knock

Love You More

Frog Parking

Flipping Bird

Gun Speak

Monkey Job

Teamwork Pride

OCD Procrastinator

Being Old

Prevent Cancer

Treble Maker

Bipolar

Good Bear

Censored

Happy Dwarves

Not A Drill

Evil Plus

Idiot Proof

Idiot Problem

Sarcasm Gene

Shaved Balls

Fart Ninjas

Horny

Sex Babies

Shower Naked

Undressing Eyes

Oh Crap

Redheads

Scottish Accent

Scottish Crap

True Story

Caffeine Skills

Losing Faith

Today Necessary

Typical Boring

Punctuation Saves

Chaos Reality

Friends Dysfunction

Life Ordered

Shit Creek

Anger Management

Buttcrack Showing

Chance Money

Everything Reason

Fear Itself

Guns Organs

Guns Trigger

Job Security

Judge Book

Laundry Dishes

Life Author

My Issues

My Job

Off Center

Screw Morning

Stupid People

Swearing

Ten Suggestions

Warning Offend

Dogs Heaven

Dog Perfect

Dog Situation

Dog Whole

God Dog

Love Dog

Puppies House

Work Harder

Socialism Robbery

Socialism

President Puppy



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