I don't
know what it is, whether it's just bad timing or someone's
trying to tell me something but every time we go to this Chinese
restaurant I get a crappy fortune in my cookie.
I'm not
talking about boring, 'Your life will be filled with friends.' kinda fortunes.
I'm talking 'Damn, those fortune writers are having one hell of a day.' kinda
fortunes.
Fortunately for you, I've been saving them.
To go to
the shirt of that fortune, just click on it and you will be magically transported
to that item where it will be so simple to click a few more times and magically
transport
cash from you to me!
Your
outlook for the future is optimistic because you're stupid.
Your
happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life so take the pipe.
Your
winsome smile will be your sure protection unless you really pissed him off.
From
a past misfortune good luck will come to you if you like kids.
A thrilling
time is in your immediate future so head towards the rest room quickly.
A good
laugh and a good cry both cleanse the mind but neither can hold a candle to
a good shit.
The
reward of a thing done well is to have done it by someone else.
You
will be married within a year and a parent a month after.
Speculations
will turn out to be a dry well.
Your
love life will be happy and harmonious if you stick with masturbation.
Your
mate will bring you a surprise that you'll be able to get rid of with antibiotics.
You
are what you think about so you'll always be a dick.
This
is a great day to handle real estate matters. So pay your rent, you deadbeat.
Everything
is not yet lost because you'll always have debt.
You
will be deeply loved for $250 an hour.
In solitude
we are least alone except in an airplane.
If your
desires are not extravagant they will be granted. So, you're screwed.
You
will have much luck and little hardship or the other way around.
Wealth
is in your near future but death is even closer.
Your
efforts will result in much profit for everyone else.
Your
luck has changed today from bad to worse.
You
will be rich and respected three lifetimes from this one.
You'll be called to a post requiring your ability to handle people so wear rubber
gloves.
Keep
your opinions as flexible as your limp dick.
Your
present plans are going to succeed if you scale them back to loser.
You
influence your future but you're a bad influence.
Yes,
go ahead with confidence as long as your insurance is paid up.
You
will inherit a large sum of money at the moment of your death.
Versatility
is one of your outstanding traits so it's a good thing you're bisexual.
Friends
long absent are coming back to you requesting child support.
You
will attend a party where a stranger will come into your life and rob you.
You
may expect good fortune all you want but it won't arrive.
Social
life holds a great attraction for you so it's too bad it's repelled by you.
Your
help will be needed in an embarrassing situation next time you visit the rest
room.
You
will spend your old age surrounded by shit and piss.
Avert
misunderstandings by calm, poise and balance if you fight like a pussy.
Only
you can decide what is important to you so you're pretty much screwed.
You
are always welcome in any gathering of sexual deviates.
You
make people realize there is beauty in the world hours after they erase your
visage from their mind.
You
never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems and screw it up even worse.
You
should be able to accomplish anything but you're pretty much useless.
What
you think is a secret has never been so feel free to come out of the closet.
You
will advance socially without any special effort which is the only way it could
happen for you.
You
will be sharing news with the people you love concerning your STD.
You
will be golden showered with luck.
You
will get what you want through your charm, personality and a gun.
You
have the capacity to enjoy life so it must be frustrating to be you.
You
will make a good lawyer very rich.
Your
actions reveal your thoughts more than you realize so please zip your pants.
Your
luck has been completely changed today for the worse.
Your
principles mean more to you than money or success because you're a dumbass.
Your
talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded by the presiding judge.
Someone
is speaking well of you because they don't really know you.
The
world is ready to receive your talents at the gang bang.
You are a very creative person with your tax returns.
